Avoiding Family Conflict Over the Holidays

Do you ever notice that family conflict appears to errupt more over the holidays than at any other time of the year? Sure one does tend to see their family members more during holidays than at any other time, but why does conflict emerge so often just then?



For many individuals when any mention of a religious holiday is made, they feel like cringing because associated feelings that emerge include those of stress and anxiety. In a family's attempt to create a beautiful atmosphere for the holidays, often times the organisers get caught up in planning to perfection. This often comes at the expense of other things, like enjoying the process, or the people around them.



Another reason that family feuds tend to emerge more around the holidays is because family gatherings evoke recollections from the past. In other words, old sibling rivalries that haven't been quashed, or when wounds from the past emerge tension and friction fill the air. A slight comment gone askew can cause skin to crawl or tensions to flare.



The best way to continue to gather together for family holidays without the tension is to communicate your needs and desires for the ideal holiday weeks and months before the gathering. Create strong boundaries for yourself by telling family members that certain topics are "no go zones" over the holidays. If your family members cross the lines you create, then it is up to you to remind them that they are out of line, firmly and without anger.

Please visit my counselling site:
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Feelings of Shame in Couples Therapy

What often keeps couples from working on their relationship in therapy is the over riding belief that they should be able to, "Do the work themselves." Many families have fostered the idea that if you can't fix your own problems there must be something wrong with you. Other families have committed themselves to the ideal that if you have a problem you "sweep it under the rug." Unfortunately, both of these notions can make you feel that if you need to get outside help you are a failure, which just keeps you from doing things that can help you improve your relationship.

Other reasons that couples feel ashamed to seek external help from a therapist is that they believe that someone who doesn't know them couldn't possibly help. The truth of the matter is that the opposite is true. Having an objective listener can help to shift the couple from remaining stuck in their feelings of despair. Speaking with someone who doesn't know either member of the couple, can help to untangle each member of the couple from feeling overly connected to their own point of vew and enable them to hear their partner better.

Maintaining shame about your decision not to seek help may simply perpetuate some of the difficulties that you may be experiencing with your partner. Shame also does not help you get to the heart of why one or both of you feel that you are suffering in the relationship.

By dealing with your feelings of shame with regards to getting external help, you can allow yourself to receive the help that you need in your couple relationship.

Please feel free to visit my counselling websites:
http://www.rescuereltionship.com
http://www.rescuerelationship.co.il

When it's over, is it really?

Often when couples come for counselling, they feel desperate about their situation, so much so that they fear that their relationship is beyond repair. What unfortunately brings couples to therapy is the threat from one of the pair that if they don't come to therapy with the intention of doing something differently, then the relationship is OVER.

This threat can often be read as a plea for help, rather than a threat. What the person threatening to leave the relationship really means is," I feel that I have been putting a lot of work into this relationship, and I don't see that you have been putting in as much as I have."

Everyone has a role to play in their couple relationship. All relationships struggle to find the right balance at different times. When one person ends up doing the bulk of the emotional work, this can leave them to feel as though they are carrying a heavy load.

In 0rder for a healthy relationship to flourish, the couple need to talk through the boundaries of the relationship, and who does what, when. While talking through all of the details of a relationship may sound a little unromantic, when put into practice the couple can then begin to feel more positively about one another. Once the positive feelings begin to flow couples then begin to feel more affectionate towards one another, and the romance then has the opportunity to flourish.

Please feel free to visit my counselling websites:
Israel: http://www.rescuerelationship.co.il/
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I think I lost my sex drive...

Loss of sex drive is something that is very common in both men and women at various times over the course of one's life. There are several factors that lead to a loss of sex drive. The most common reason for this is a lack of desire for your partner.


One's lack of desire for their partner may be due to a variety of factors. It may be due to something as innocuous as being overworked and over tired. It can be due to poor diet, and lack of exercise which can decrease the hormonal secretion that makes you feel sexual desire. Lack of sex drive may be circumstantial, like having a new baby, moving home, changing job... basically any major life stressor can reduce libido.


The above mentioned factors that reduce sexual desire are fairly straightforward and can easily be fixed with time, or lifestyle modification. One variable resulting in loss of sex drive that is not as easily fixed or even as easily identified is a subconscious resentment towards one's partner. Resentment can be due to a build up of negative feelings that have not been expressed.



If you are the sort of person that struggles to express difficult feelings, then the likelihood is that you would be more greatly at risk of sex drive loss due to resentment. It might help for you to make time to check in with yourself and how you are feeling towards your partner. Do you feel that you are carrying the weight of the relationship on your shoulders. Do you feel that you are doing more than your fair share of the housework/childcare duties? Do you feel that you are the one who initiates all the ideas in the relationship, and your partner follows along? In other words make some time to check in with any subconscious resentments.




Once you become more aware of resentment that you may be carrying, you can then work on discussing your feelings with your partner in a sensitive manner so that they can be heard in a way that does not lead your partner to feel that he/she has to defend themselves. If you feel that this is something that you are unable to do by yourself, or if you feel scared about how your partner may react, do yourself a favour and get some outside help from a trained marriage and family therapist.

Getting kids to want to go back to school after the holidays

Everyone has a tough time getting back into the swing of reality after the holidays. After all how much fun is it to be able to stay up late, play with friends and do no home work...The key to getting your child to feel happy about going to school after the holidays is to make every day feel like a mini holiday.

If your child is in primary school, plan one fun activity with them every day. Make sure you prime your child for the fun activity before they go back to school, so that the have something to look forward to when returning to school. This activity can range from building something, baking, playing with a favorite toy, gardening, painting, dancing to some music, you name it. Whatever you choose, make it fun for the both of you, and make sure to have all the materials ready for the first day of school. This will help you to enjoy your day more, and create a much nicer environment for the entire family. It will also help keep your child from dreading going back to school.

If your child is in high school, help them to nurture positive friendships, and think of safe/fun activities for them. Encourage and enable them togather materials they need for their activities. Even if they have an after school job, the key to enjoying life is to make some self time every day. The younger one is when they learn it, the better set up they are to having a life filled with fun and laughter.

Instilling fun in ones day everyday is the key to life long success, and a happy family. Having fun and being successfull go hand in hand.

Marriage/Couples counselling for Individuals

Many individuals who would like to find a long term partner struggle to do so. One often thinks that the reason that they have not been able to successfully be able to remain in a long term relationship is becasue they have, "not found Mr./Ms. right." It is difficult for one to admit to themselves that the reason that they are not in a long term committed relationship has something to do with them. It is much easier to think that the problem must lie outside of oneself rather than within. Working on obtaining a long term relationship outside -in rather than from the inside-out is like trying to clean the inside of your house your house by washing the outer walls. If one uses the wrong implement to fix a problem, or they attack a problem with the wrong approach the problem remains.

In order for one to attain and sustain a healthy, working relationship, one must first work on their own relationship with themselves. You need to get in touch with what it is that really makes you tick, what makes you feel good or bad, happy or sad... 'cause if YOU don't know what you want, their is now way someone else will. The onus for your own happiness lies within you.

The way that individual relationship counselling works is that one unearths the painful stuff with a trained therapist so that they can get in touch with their truest self. The more truthful one is with themselves, the greater the likelihood that one can then go about finding a partner that is going to be able to match and meet their indivdual needs. After all finding a partner is not like clothes shopping...or at least it shouldn't be (that is if you really want a long term relationship). When you choose to buy an outfit, you think about what strikes your fancy which can change from moment to moment. Finding a life partner is about getting in touch with and meeting your deeper needs.

There is no doubt that doing this sort of work can be daunting and difficult at first, however, over time it can feel exhilirating to know who you really are, and to no longer be hiding behind what you think society thinks you should be. When you find your truest self, this is when you will be able to then find a partner that is most appropriate for you.

About Micki

My name is Micki Lavin-Pell, and I am a marriage and family therapist. I have been practicing for the last 6 years in Melbourne, Australia. Recently, I have decided to offer my services over the internet in order to enable people who either live in hard to reach areas to have accessable and affordable counselling, and in order to help people with small children to be able to attend counselling after working hours without having to hire a baby sitter.

My approach to marriage counselling is fairly simple and straightforward. I attempt to ascertain what it is that the couple are looking for when they come to see a therapist. In other words, I try to get the couple to put into words what they actually want to be different in their lives. I then aim to help the client to envision what their relationship used to be like when things were going well and to think through when they first noticed that things were not going so well. In addition, I try to get the couple to think through their own family history, i.e. what they remember about their own parents relationship while they were growing up, and how their parents worked through some of the similar difficulties that the couple may currently be experiencing. My approach to couples therapy is aimed at helping the individuals in the relationship to see what their pattern of interaction is, and to help them to understand each person's role in perpetuating the difficulties that they may be experiencing.